Miscellany of a Cheshire Cat

So I get a copy of the Vermont Country Store catalog 2-3 times a year and have been getting it for years and my mother received it when I was growing up. For the unfamiliar, it’s a catalog with lots of nifty old-fashioned stuff from curlers to penny candy and from doilies to percolating coffee pots. In the past few years, the catalog even started being in color. (I didn’t notice they had a web site until I checked for one for the link above.) The mix of items has become more and more eclectic over the years, but if I ever need a checked table cloth and a bread box, I know where to go. They also carry nifty imported food as well as hard-to-find foods such as Sky Bars, Bit-O-Honey and fig spread. Oh and maple sugar candy! Yum!

Let’s just say the target demographic is a bit older than me… like twice my age or older…

Something about the catalog appeals to my imagination or something because I find it fun to leaf through the pages of Victorian nightgowns, strange hairpins and various skin treatments that could have been sold by door-to-door salesmen a hundred years ago. And yesterday I was doing just that on the couch. I was trying to figure out if the muumuu was coming back and if natural bristle hairbrushes were really worth trying again when…

“The Next Stage in Your Life” (A sketch of two cheerful looking faces of oldsters adorned the page heading as well.)

An innocent enough title for the section of goods, though perhaps a bit morbid and overly cheerful since I assumed at first the next stage was death…

Nope, not death.

The next stage of life is “intimate massagers,” “all-natural creams allow both of you to experience more pleasure” and “It’s time to Really Do Those Kegel Exercises - And Relieve Incontinence, Enhance Pleasurable Response.” The last item comes in cheerful bright green and is featured prominently in the upper right corner of the spread. And can you guess what these are: “Easy-to-Use Impo-Aid Comfort Ring Aids Male Performance”? There are also lubricants, a breast firming cream of some sort and other miscellaneous personal things requiring fewer euphemisms in their descriptions.

Imagine my surprise to discover that in fact the Vermont Country Store has become the oldsters’ version of the Pyramid Collection. They’re not seriously that bad, but I’m not sure if I’m more shocked or amused. The previous page featured an Epilady and the next featured “Tired Old Ass Soak”, so my shock is more that of disorientation than some sort of shock that people who read the Vermont Country Store catalog might engage in sexual activity! I guess startled is a better way of putting it. It’s the kind of shock I’d have if I found out the latest Strawberry Shortcake dolls have nipples. (They don’t, do they?)

I’m not sure why they decided to expand their product line but I’d love to see the statistics on sales in this area. I bet it could be quite the money maker. Thankfully, the tackiest of the “personal massager” items are only pictured on the web site. The catalog layout is actually quite tasteful and discrete. So camouflaged, in fact, that an unsuspecting reader (such as myself) will stumble through the catalog unawares until her eyes focus on the bright green Kegel Exerciser…

tags: catalogs, intimate accessories, kegels, random, surprise, vermont country store